Feel the Aloha

Andy and I got back from The Big Island recently, and this just happened upon my computer screen today. I like it, so I am putting it here. Perhaps you'll like it too.

Live ALOHA
A stands for AKAHAI, meaning kindness.
L stands for LOKAHI, meaning bring unity.
O stands for OLU'OLU, meaning politeness.
H stands for HA'AHA'A, meaning humbled.
A stands for AHONUI, meaning enduring.

Aloha in Action
Respect all elders and children.
Leave places better than you find them.
Hold the door. Hold the elevator.
Plant something.
Drive with courtesy. Never drive impaired.
Attend an event of another culture.
Return your shopping cart.
Get out and enjoy nature.
Pick up litter.
Share with your neighbors.
Create smiles.
Create a list and share it.

You don't have to be a politician, or the president of a company, or a famous doctor, to make everyone's life better. Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference.

What Are Friends For?

You know, it's interesting when you discover things that, perhaps, you didn't want to know about your "friends." At some point you just have to let go and stop clinging to something that (clearly) has ceased to exist.

This one hurts because I'd always been one of her staunchest supporters and have always forgiven her faults, as I thought she'd forgiven mine. This is one of those cases where I am truly baffled as to what happened or why she doesn't like me anymore. I'd feel better about it all if she'd just tell me why. But you know what? There is nothing I can do about it. And what is the motto I've been trying to live by?

I don't focus on things I can't control.

Until and unless she decides to talk to me, there is just nothing I can do. It makes me profoundly sad, but I have to let go. It's only hurting me at this point, for it is obvious that she doesn't care about me.

Wowza Annabellza!

Sometimes being a stay-at-home mom is really mentally taxing. Sometimes the hours seem to crawl by. Other times they fly by with alarming quickness. This has been one of those weeks. Annabelle has done something new everyday this week. Maybe two or three new things.

Her comprehension of the spoken language is remarkable. Though she hasn't spoken all that many words, she understands many words and phrases. She can point to a cat, a dog, a duck, and, yes, a toucan (!). She can understand simple commands. She knows who mommy and daddy and nana and mimi and poppy and papaw are. She knows who Miss Gigi is. She even knows who kitty Sarah is.

She loves to point. She loves to read. She loves to dance. She is an amazing little girl.

If you haven't done so lately, Check out some pictures! May 2008 | April 2008 | March 2008

Let us know what you think!

SWAK!

Annabelle has recently learned how to pucker her lips as if in a kiss. Before she goes to be she will make the little lip smacking noise after I kiss her. It melts my icy heart. I love her to little tiny pieces.

Rolling With Changes

Annabelle and I were playing downstairs this morning. I was multitasking, you know making lunch, putting the dishes away and playing with AEB. Anyway, I was making some noodles on the stove when Annabelle stood up in the middle of the living room and toddled all the way over to me and gave me a big hug around my leg. I couldn't believe it.

She is also learning to use a spoon and a fork. It is a messy business.

My ex-best friend forever, Marian Hossa, had the game winning/series clenching OT goal today for the Penguins (versus the New York Rangers). I miss him! He's been a monster this playoff season. All true Thrasher fans die just a little bit every time he scores a goal for another team.

Miss Personality

It has been too long since my last post. So much has happened in our life, especially when it comes to Annabelle. She is walking now! Each day she gains more confidence and takes a few more steps. Each day she shows a new wrinkle in her personality. She is amazing, wonderful and precious.

Geneen is amazing as well. She is such a wonderful mother to Annabelle. Annabelle loves her so much, as do I.

In Control

"I can't control what people think so I don't worry about it too much ... I'm just trying to do my best."
-- Marian Hossa
CBS Sports
May 14, 2008

"I don't worry about what I can't control."
-- Marian Hossa
ESPN Radio
March 25th, 2008

"I can't control it, so why even think about it?"
-- Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Atlanta Journal-Constitution
May 6, 2007

"It sounds really simple and almost too basic, but if I go home and stew on what I think should be happening or focus on something that I can't control, it takes my focus away from doing my job. It eats at you. It consumes you. And I've been through all of this before."
-- Joey Harrington
Atlanta Journal-Constitution
November 30, 2007

Baby Steps

Annabelle walked on her own today for the first time.

Fab Vocab

Annabelle has learned lots of new words. She knows what many, many words mean, but she doesn't yet speak them. Balloons. Cat. Mommy and Daddy (which she does say). Nana. Mimi. Charles (!). Hand. Popsicle. Pool. Just to name a few.

I have also added to our family's personal lexicon.

There is the ever popular: Grumpasaurus (aka Grumpasaur). The fearsome Grumpasaurus Rex. The soon-to-be-outdated Trendasaurus. The oft-used (and fun to say) Fussasaurus. And, who could forget the Tryantasaurus (as in, "my boss is a tyrant-a-saurus"). See what great things I am doing for the English language?

Revisiting a Resolution

Resolved: That Geneen shall institute a "no more" policy when it comes to a.) feeling like she is a terrible mother b.) feeling guilty for no reason c.) obsessing about her weight d.) being negative e.) fear and, f.) feeling like a nobody because she doesn't -- at present -- have a job that pays in U.S. currency.

Get the Picture?

Annabelle had portraits taken day. She is just the funniest baby. A total ham. Lots of personality in the pictures. I can't wait to have some of them.

They Didn't Play "Stonehenge"

Well, it's been a while. *whew!*

Annabelle's first birthday party was last weekend. I'd just spent the entire week having (seemingly) every medical procedure known to mankind; I was put on two days of bed rest and Andy was covering the after hours clinic, so I am amazed we managed to pull off both a birthday party AND a visit from the Easter Bunny. It was touch-and-go there for a while and he was unsure he could add us to his route, but he did show.

Thank-you-very-much, Easter Bunny!



Our fam at AEB's party Saturday.
Click to see more >>

In other news...
Yes, I had a Spinal Tap and ... ... it didn't rock or go to 11 (nor did they play 'Stonehenge,' damn it!) ...

"Spinal Tap" is one of my all-time favorite movies, but the reality of a lumbar puncture is nowhere near as entertaining and is, in fact, about as scary as David St. Hubbins in spandex.

I was ridiculously nervous. It didn't help that I had to sign these forms five minutes before they wheeled me away informing me I could a.) die, b.) be paralyzed, c.) get a hideous infection, etc. CYA, I know. NEVERTHELESS!

The needle was in my back for about 30 minutes. The doctor (who had the smallest hands I've seen outside of a juvenile) kept asking how I was doing to which I just groaned/whined "fiiiiine." I didn't want to move. I was afraid of moving, lest the needle go askew.

The funny thing about the 'Tap is the weird electrical jolts it sends to various parts of your body. Down your leg... ZAP! Down your other leg... DOUBLE ZAP! Across your back... BURNING ZAP! And over again.

I had to lie down flat for 48 hours straight, which, as the mother of a toddler sounded rather exciting when it was first mentioned. Within two hours I was going crazy. Anyway, just a nice big thank you to all who expressed concern. I appreciate your encouraging words. This has been a very trying two weeks.

Unfortunately, there are still no real answers to the conundrum.

So that's that.

Going to 11

Spinal Tap: It's not just a rock band (for me) anymore. Today (ugh), yes today, I am having a lumbar puncture. I am not sure which term is more freaky. I'll have to meditate on that while I am having said puncture/tap done. Again, I say "ugh!" and shiver a little bit.

Still no definitive answer on the headaches. Here's hoping the tap will be the end of the poking and prodding.

(Shivers a little more.)

My Head Hurts and I Feel Fine

This past week has been a bit of a roller-coaster.

I've been having severe headaches for about a month now. I finally figured it had to be that my eyesight was, at long last, going. So a quick trip to the optometrist, eye check, get glasses, right? Oh wrong, wrong, wrong. My vision is still 20-15. The doc found I had some swelling of the nerves in my eyes, so he referred me on to an opthamologist. I was worked into one of Andy's kind colleagues' schedule the same day. So hey! I got to have my eyes dilated twice in one day.

All-day eye blurring aside, Andy's insistence that I be checked the same day was very disconcerting. I know Andy. There's just no other way to explain it and he wouldn't have pressed it like that if he wasn't worried. And when he is worried, I am more so.

The finding of swelling was confirmed and the opthamologist referred me to a neurologist and got me scheduled for an MRI the following day (Friday). Cue Geneen freakout. Well, not really, but I did go to bed at 6 p.m. and didn't get up until the next day right before I had to go to the appointment. That's my method of dealing with reality sometimes: Hide.

That night I dreamed of my late friend, Julie. In the dream she sent me a letter from Heaven (it was postmarked with a special "Heaven" postage stamp and everything!). In the letter she thanked me for my friendship and told me she was happy and peaceful in the afterlife. She told me she was happy because she was able to watch over her children always. She also told me "everything is going to be OK." I knew that was a positive omen, but I was still scared.

Next day, ugh. MRI. Little tube. Close quarters. Loud noises. Controlled freaking. Sort of.

In the hour I was in The Tube, I somehow did lots of thinking amidst the racket and commotion. I prayed. I thought of Julie and how brave she had been. I thought of all the hockey players in the NHL who'd had MRIs recently and how they all survived. I thought of Annabelle and the way she laughed and kicked her feet in the pool earlier that day. I thought of Andy and how loving and caring he always is. And my parents and sister. My in-laws. I prayed some more. I sang the Brady Bunch theme song several times over to stop myself from laughing after the MRI tech told me she thinks the sound the machine makes is like "bad techno music" (very true, by the way; though "modern jackhammer" is also apt). I thought of how little the minutiae means in the grand scheme of things. I prayed again. I thought of Frodo and Sam on their quest with The Ring (the mind does wander doesn't it?). I repeatedly thought of the "find a happy place" scene in "Dumb and Dumber." I prayed some more and vowed to be brave. I thought of this crazy story a friend told me about a certain member of the Colorado Avalanche and what a baby he was at the doctor's office. I vowed to be braver than that. And I prayed.

Then it was over.

Skip forward a little. The scans were all negative. No tumors. No lesions. No aneurysms. What a relief! I felt very grateful (and still do). So whatever it is that is causing the headaches is probably not deadly. But the quest for an answer continues.

I have a headache right now. It's pounding and painful, but I don't care. At the moment I feel very blessed and lucky to be alive to have a headache. I was pretty scared there for a while and the foremost thought in my mind was Annabelle. Not for me, but for her. I know I am not the best mother in the world, but I do know she needs me and I want to be there for her. So I am thanking God that the MRI came back negative. Maybe, on Annabelle's behalf, you'll join me in thanking Him too.

And here I go again, getting all cheesy but if you're reading this, I just want to say thanks for being my friend/family (I know in the case of the latter you have no choice, but you know what I mean). Thanks for being a special part of my life. When I was in the little, cramped tube I thanked God for you too.

*hugs*

Whatever Happens...

I am going to be brave. Like Julie. I dreamed of her last night. She sent me a note from Heaven and said everything is going to be OK. I am taking that as a positive omen.

No Photos, Please!

I've noticed lately that Annabelle is becoming a bit camera shy. I am not sure why that is. Maybe it's a natural thing. Now that she's getting older and recognizes things she gets scared more easily. Whatever the reason, her smile, while ever present, is increasingly difficult to capture on film.

I've uploaded a few images from her birthday. So check 'em out ...

Happy Birthday, Baby

A big Happy Birthday to the most precious baby in the world: Our daughter, Annabelle Elizabeth. She turns one today. I've spent the past hour or so reflecting on the year gone by and the many changes it has brought.

It's hard when your life changes overnight. You check into the hospital one person, you check out another. Forever changed in society's eyes, for you are now this person called "mother."

But I know I can speak for Andy when I say we wouldn't have it any other way. So to Annabelle...

It's impossible to describe the love we feel for you. You bring laughter and smiles. You bring light and joy. Your face is that of an angel. And to see you is to be assured that, yes, there is a God because nothing so precious -- so perfect -- could be anything but divine.


Annabelle, day one, hour one.


Annabelle, almost a year old (and she's already perfected her BlackBerry technique!).

Adios, Mi Amigo

Trades in professional sports are weird. As fans we watch our team and seem to gravitate toward one or two players in particular. Some reasons are rational (he's the best player). Some are less so ("He's cute!" or "I like the number 16"). Some are a combination of the two.

Today the Thrashers traded one of my two favorite players: Marian Hossa, who, in my opinion was the best player on the team. They had little choice as he was set to become an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season, so had they not pulled the trigger on a deal, they would have lost him for nothing. My brain understands such things. My heart is another matter.

I hate the idea of Hossa in another uniform. He is a supreme talent and to see him go is very upsetting. More than that, though, Hossa is one of those likable players. He's the kind of guy you want as the face of your franchise. And, even more than that, after three seasons of watching a guy, it's like the team traded your best friend. Your best pal. The guy you love hanging out with. The guy who amuses you as you rock your baby to sleep. The guy who dazzles with his skating ability and his sweet unassuming nature. That guy is no longer your best friend. He's someone else's best friend now.

It makes me sad.

The team did what it had to do. And Hossa could have accepted a large paycheck to stay with the Thrashers, but he didn't. He wants to win. What does that say about the Thrashers? Whatever it is, it's not good. What does it say about Hossa? That he didn't love Atlanta as much as he said? That while he's enjoyed being our friend, it's time to move on? Time to make new friends? (Yes, yes he was traded and over that he had no control; but he rejected all long-term deals the Thrashers put on the table.)

Such is the way of things and such is the pain that is being a fan. I am sure you are not interested unless you happen to be Andy, in which case, we've already discussed this at length.

Goodbye Magical Marian. Atlanta misses you already.

Husband and Daddy

The lights were low in the dining room. The conversation was loud. As the hostess led us to our table, I feel a giddiness I hadn't felt in a long time.

Andy and I were out for dinner. At a nice restaurant: The kind we used to go to all the time before we had Annabelle. And, while I wouldn't go back if I could, it was fun to be out on the town again.

We passed people celebrating anniversaries, birthdays. Maybe a few people were wheeling and dealing. Who knows? But I felt like I was out on my first date with Andy again.

There were no car seats. No strollers. No Cheerios on the floor. No bibs. No screaming. No fussing (at least not in any recognizable form!).

So this is what it feels like to be in adult company! Wow. Again, I felt giddy.

Holding Andy's hand and looking into his eyes. I remembered. Listening to him talk and imitate a funny commercial. I remembered. And the remembrance was almost shocking: This is my husband. This is the guy I married. Where has he been?

When you have a baby, your life changes in massive ways. Those ways are somewhat anticipated. What you never understand beforehand is how your life will change in the minute ways. How your perceptions will shift. How the ground seems to move beneath your feet as you attempt to hang on for the ride.

And you forget.

"Daddy" is no longer your father. He's your child's. This "Daddy" person looks like your husband and sounds like your husband, but that's where the similarities seemingly end. "Daddy" is a great guy. He's fun and funny and exuberant and loving ... to someone else. And, while I wouldn't have it any other way, I sometimes wish for hugs and kisses and cuddles and sweet, soft voices for myself. Those have kind of dried up since my husband became "Daddy."

Back at the restaurant, Andy was wearing a cute gray sweater. A sweater he knows I love. I didn't have to ask him to wear it. He just did. I asked him to take a picture of us. I didn't have to explain. He just knew what I meant. When I tell him I am lonely. He understands.

That part of my husband has stayed the same, though so much has changed. I don't get to see it very often because he and I are in childcare mode. But last night, catching those little glimpses and feeling like more than just a laundromat and food dispenser, I felt giddy.

And it was great.

What a Year

Baby Winter, or "Gavin Charles" as he is now known, came into the world on February 12. Gigi and Carlo are thrilled and have since taken their newborn bundle of joy home from the hospital. Congrats to our good friends! Much love.

Time continues to fly by. Annabelle is fast approaching her first birthday. We are amazed at how everyday brings changes and new accomplishments. She has two teeth. She can eat many different non-baby foods. She is standing and on the cusp of walking. She babbles and smiles and claps. She's just the most amazing thing ever.

Prayer Request

For my friend Gigi who is having a planned C-section today.

On a completely different note: Pictures galore in the Photo Albums >>>

Tired...

Of being judged.

Feeling Funky

Andy I went to the NHL All Star Game and it was so much fun. There are just no words to describe it, you would have had to have been there. I love hockey. And it was absolutely wonderful to be back in the town that still feels like home to us. Andy and I both miss Georgia. A lot. (Photos of All Star Weekend)

When I got home, I was exhausted. I'd gone to bed about midnight and had to be up at 3:45 a.m. for the return flight. Annabelle was still asleep when I got home, so I went upstairs to take a nap. Lying there trying to fall asleep, I just burst into tears. I feel like I am on a never-ending vacation and keep waiting for the day I get to go back to where I really live.

In other news, Annnabelle is just so close to walking it's crazy. I can't believe how fast she's grown. Last night I had this hideous dream in which we couldn't find her. I woke up frantic and ran into her room, grabbed her up and held her (while crying silent tears of joy that the dream was not real). Oh the mind is such a strange thing.

Blah

I can't seem to think of anything more creative today. I want to write, but I feel blah. I want to go do something, but it's raining and I feel blah. I want to make a phone call, but I feel social anxiety and blah. I think you get the picture.

Annabelle has been feeling blah today as well. She slept until 11:00 a.m., which is very unusual for her. I kept going in and checking on her and she was on her tummy with her little behind in the air, sleeping, well, like a baby. So I did not wake her. I don't believe in forcing babies into my schedule. I bend mine around hers, which can be frustrating, but it's what works for me.

This was a busy weekend. I hosted a shower. I had guests all weekend. Maybe Annabelle and I just need chill time.

Yoga on Wednesday. I am actually really looking forward to it. It's fun and it really relaxes my mind.

Feelings

I have not written for some time now, so, here it goes! I am one week into my new practice and there is not much to say except that electronic medical records are awesome and paper charts suck!!

Annabelle is growing so fast and I can't even put into words how much I love her! Geneen has done well during this difficult transition and I am very proud of her. I love her!!

Some other things that suck: The entire Dallas Cowboys organization!!